So a new year is upon us again, and that can only mean one thing: millions of New Year’s resolutions are being made as we speak.
Do you know what the most common New Year’s resolutions happen to be? Yup, stuff like losing weight, building muscle, eating healthier, getting in better overall shape and really anything diet/fitness related.
Because of this fact, this is the time of the year when the entire diet and fitness industry simultaneously ups its advertising. This is when every magazine, newspaper, website, TV news show and fitness guru in the world tries extra hard to help you make this the year you’re finally successful.
This is when it seems like everyone comes together to be overly supportive and encouraging to the countless people who have made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, build muscle or improve their body in some way.
Well, not me. I’m not going to do any of that. Instead, I’m going to be a total dick about it.
Wanna know why?
Because I Want You To Fail
Seriously. Here’s why…
- Based on the little I know about you, I probably don’t like you.
I like people who set goals and work their ass off to reach them. They don’t quit. They don’t give up. They just do what needs to be done. Period. The opposite of that type of person is the person who sits around until it’s New Year’s resolution time (aka International Try-And-Fail Time For Lazy People) before putting in the same half-assed effort they put in at this same time last year. Based on that alone, it’s hard not to root against you… at least a little.
- You’re in my parking space.
Every January, the same thing happens at my gym. You New Year’s people show up and take all the good parking spots. It’s winter here in the US, so it’s more annoying than usual having to park further away. Do you think I want to walk 2 extra blocks in the freezing cold on a sheet of ice? Hell no. But because of your New Year’s resolution to get up early and hit the gym, the good spots right in front are taken by people like you. Enjoy it while you can, though. I’ll reclaim my parking spot about 4 weeks from now when you’ve already given up until next year.
- You ruin my gym experience.
You’re on my bench. You’re in my squat rack (often doing god knows what). You’re using the equipment I need. You insist on talking to me in the middle of my set because you don’t realize some of us are actually there training for a purpose. You’re in the way making the gym more crowded than it’s meant to be. Really, just the fact that you’ve showed up annoys me and interferes with my workout. So, the sooner you fail, the better.
- Your failure is entertaining.
Wanna here a secret? Those of us who have already been training hard and eating correctly for our goal long before New Year’s came around… we think you’re a joke. Not just you, but everyone like you. Everyone who is going to show up at our gym this first week of January, act all committed and motivated, screw around doing various dumb shit, and then disappear completely by March (if you even last that long). We’re all laughing at you. You’re a running joke that everyone else is in on but you. We see it happen and laugh at it every single year. Nothing personal, but watching you fail is just kinda funny to us.
- Your failure makes me feel better about myself.
Most people won’t admit that, but we all think it at some point. It’s the kind of thing that can make even the least douchey person feel a sense of superiority over someone else. You’re trying to do something we’ve already been doing without any problem at all, and you’re failing at it year after year. This makes us feel special. We can do it, you can’t. We rule, you suck. Again, it’s nothing personal. It’s just a natural human reaction to have when watching this New Year’s resolution nonsense play out the same way every single year in every single gym.
I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve made a pretty compelling argument for why your failure benefits me. And your success? That does nothing for me at all.
For this reason, instead of giving you tips to help you “make this year your most successful year ever,” I’ve decided to go in the opposite direction.
10 Ways To FAIL At Your New Year’s Resolutions
Here now is a list of diet and workout tips that will help guarantee you fail as quickly as possible this year. Enjoy…
1. Focusing on your diet AND workout is hard, so just pick one.
Let’s face it, who has time to pay attention to their diet and their workout? Not you, right? That’s why you should only focus on the one that seems least complicated and totally ignore the other. This will work out perfectly!
Those 200 calories you’re burning on the treadmill 3-5 times a week will surely make up for the 4000 calories worth of crap you’re eating each day. And that muscle building workout you’re using will surely allow you to put on tons of lean mass regardless of whether or not you’re actually eating enough calories to support muscle growth.
That silly idea of needing to get your diet AND workout right is a myth just like you’ve always suspected. You’ll do just fine by focusing on one and ignoring the other.
2. Don’t use a proven workout routine… create your own instead!
You know everything there is to know about weight training, right? Of course you do. Granted, you haven’t really ever been consistent with it, and the few times you have your results sucked balls.
But, you sometimes skim through fitness magazines and have The Biggest Loser on your DVR. If that doesn’t automatically qualify you as an expert in designing your own workout routine, I don’t know what does.
So, you know my beginner routine, my muscle building routine, and the handful of other highly proven workouts for beginners or intermediates/advanced that people recommend and use successfully all the time? The hell with them!
What you lack in experience and intelligence you surely make up for in ego, so whatever routine you put together yourself will certainly be just as good if not BETTER than all of those combined.
3. Calories don’t matter, but everything else does!
Calories in vs calories out is a bullshit equation and we all know it. So if you want to be successful with your New Year’s resolution this year, you better stop focusing on calories and start focusing on what REALLY matters most.
I’m talking about carbs, eating clean foods instead of dirty foods, when and how often you eat, nutrient timing, glycemic index, using the perfect amount of dextrose post workout, not eating after 7PM, not eating fat and carbs in the same meal, and so on.
Counting calories is a waste of time and requires an understanding of first grade level math. F that, and F all of the science and real world results supporting it. It’s these little things that will be the true key to your success this year. Be sure to obsess over them and ignore everything else, especially calories.
4. Progression doesn’t matter, but everything else does!
Ever hear that the most important component of your workout is progression? What a joke.
A successful workout is all about pump and being super sore the next day. It’s all about the perfect combination of isolation exercises and changing things up often to shock your body. Muscle confusion, baby! And you definitely need more supersets. And dropsets. And you need to obsess over whether you should be doing tricep pressdowns with an underhand grip or overhand grip.
Who cares if you’ve been lifting the same weight for every exercise for weeks, months and years on end? As long as you feel trashed at the end of your workout and are obsessing over the minor details, progressive overload is just another myth you can ignore.
5. It’s all about supplements!
I’m going to set the record straight once and for all. Supplements really are miracle pills. They’ll easily make up for the fact that you eat like crap and train like a moron. The right supplement (or better yet, the right combination of supplements) will single-handedly burn fat and build muscle for you.
Also, always believe the supplement’s claims and the person/company selling it to you. I’m sure it’s all fully supported by legitimate research, and they’re definitely not just trying to get your money. These are good, honest people.
6. That fitness guru is definitely trustworthy!
You know those fitness gurus who change their opinions weekly to suit whatever the most popular trend (or bandwagon) is at the time? You can trust them!
And you know those new amazing looking eBooks and products they release every month for the insanely fair price of only $77 or $97? It will definitely live up to the hype. It will totally revolutionize everything and produce lightning fast results just like it promises.
Yup, the testimonials are 100% real and legit. Yup, the price really will increase significantly if you don’t buy your copy right this second. Yup, that fitness guru really does have your best interests in mind. It’s never just about the money. It’s never about doing and saying whatever they have to so they can make a sale. They are all about helping you succeed this New Year!
Feel free to put your trust (and money) into them and their products.
7. Ladies, please… keep on toning!
Those toning workouts aimed at women are amazingly effective! Seriously ladies… your 3lb pink dumbbells are magically capable of everything from spot reduction to canceling out the proven training requirement of progressive overload.
Continue with your super light girly weights and super high girly reps and super useless sculpting exercises and you’ll surely be toning up in no time! Not to mention, doing it any other way will instantly turn you into a big and bulky looking monster overnight.
8. Read more, do less!
Information overload is just a silly myth. So instead of putting your diet and workout into action, you’ll be much better off reading more blogs, watching more YouTube videos, subscribing to more email lists, reading more forum posts and just collecting every single bit of fat loss and muscle building information that has ever existed.
Sure, most of it is wrong, or useless, or contradictory. And yes, it will seemingly make you more confused and obsessed. But it’s okay, because that’s the key to success with diet/training based New Year’s resolutions. More reading, less doing!
9. Expect to lose 20lbs of fat per week and build 30lbs of muscle per month!
So this New Year, make sure you raise your expectations and expect rapid results. You definitely won’t end up disappointed to the point of giving up when you fail to reach these lofty goals. Nah, you’ll just be getting better results faster than everyone else ever has.
10. Ignore me… I’m just some idiot with a blog!
Seriously, I don’t have a clue what I’m talking about. I mean, have you seen some of the dumb stuff I’ve recommended this past year?
So what if it’s all based on the crazy amount of research I’ve done, the tons of great advice I’ve gotten from the people I consider experts/geniuses in this field, and my own first hand experience over the last 12 years of working to improve my own body and nearly 10 years of helping others do the same.
What the hell do I know? You should probably ignore every article I’ve ever written (except this one) and take your chances somewhere else on some other website.
See You Again Next Year, Losers!
So, there you have it. 10 great tips that will all but guarantee your failure this year.
I for one am looking forward to watching you try and fail to reach these same New Year’s resolutions again next year, and again the year after that. See you in January!
Of Course, There’s Always That Other Option…
Then again, if you’d actually like to succeed this year, there is one other option to consider:
You can do the complete opposite of everything I just laid out.
You can work your ass off to train and eat in a manner that’s proven to work best for your goal.
You can follow my free diet and nutrition guide.
You can do it all correctly and consistently day in and day out until it works. And when it does, you can keep doing it all just the same so your results remain permanent and/or continue to improve.
You can come on over to this side with us and be the one laughing at next year’s crop of New Year’s resolution losers.
Or, you can just remain over there and fail once again like most people will.